Broken
by Munchkin79
Summary: Olivia begins her first day at the SVU and struggles to face the demons of her childhood and her growing relationship with Elliot. A/N: Rating will become M at a later time.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So, this story is going to be a bit different than my others, and I'm a little nervous about it, but I hope you enjoy! In the episode Stalked, it was said that Olivia had started working at the SVU for about a year and half prior to season 1, so that's where this starts. Also, it's a bit AU because Elliot is already separated from Kathy, but not yet divorced. Let me know what you think after you read :) Oh, and the past is in italics and the rating will turn to M in a later chap ;) Also, the first scene in this story is from my one shot called Haze of Wine :)**

_She walked into her empty apartment after a long and challenging day at work and eyed the bottle that had been taunting her from it's place on the kitchen counter for the past few days. She'd resisted as long as possible, but tonight she would give in to the sweet temptation. _

_She craved it. Deserved it. It was Friday evening after all, and as usual she had no plans._

_Serena placed her briefcase by the door, toed off her shoes, and let her jacket slide from her shoulders and onto the plush, beige carpet. _

_As she eyed the bottle of Cabernet, her mouth watered in anticipation. She knew she shouldn't. Knew she was often a mean drunk, but tonight she was alone. Just as she preferred it._

_The entire process was a seduction of sorts. She felt the cold metal weight of the corkscrew in her hand as she gripped the smooth, glass bottle with the other. Once it was opened, she leaned in to deeply inhale the woodsy bouquet. Her pulse quickened as she poured a glass, the crimson liquid flowing until half full. She swirled it twice before pressing the glass to her lips._

_Serena sighed, almost in sweet relief, as the wine filled her waiting mouth. Various flavors danced over her tongue as she savored it for a moment before swallowing. The delicious burn soothed her parched throat and the heat swirled deep in her stomach. _

_She walked over to her overstuffed, pale blue loveseat and sunk into the cushions. Immediately she was able to relax and after two more glasses, her body hummed through a haze of wine as she lost herself. The stress of the week all but disappeared and her muscles became like jelly. _

_She looked around the dim, simply decorated apartment, her eyes finally landing on a wooden door. Olivia's room. Perhaps she should pick her up from day care. Perhaps she should attempt once again to spend some quality time with her four year old. The thoughts were fleeting, painful. Olivia was better off at day care, better off without her. She stood up to cross the room, eying her demon once again. _

_The bottle was practically empty, save for one more small glass worth of the sweet, warm burn she desired. Just one more glass and she could retreat into the darkness of sleep, to once again avoid her reality._

**eoeo**

Olivia stood at the bottom of the concrete steps leading into the sixteenth precinct and stared up at the building before her. Pulling her light jacket tighter to her body against the cool breeze, the air filled her lungs as she inhaled a deep breath trying to calm her nerves.

She was here.

As she walked up the stairs and made her way into the squad room she knew it was finally time. Time to face her demons and get justice for women like her mother. Justice for children who had to grow up with parents like her own.

At twenty-nine years old, she was no veteran, but she'd be damned if anyone told her she didn't know about special victims. As nervous as she was walking into the large open room bustling with life, she was also confident. She felt at home as soon as the balding man that was her new captain walked toward her with an outstretched hand.

"Detective Benson, good to see you again." He had a firm handshake but a warm smile that put her at ease.

"Captain Cragen," she nodded as she shook his hand and scanned the busy room, taking particular notice of the three men and one woman watching her with interest.

"Let me introduce you to the team and your new partner and then we can go over any questions you may have." Cragen led her over to the group and one man stood as she came closer.

He was striking with his deep blue eyes and a trim, but seemingly muscular build. He was masculine looking, but his warm, sensual smile prevented him from being intimidating…at least not to Olivia.

Her heart fluttered as he took a step closer and extended his right hand. "Elliot Stabler. I'm your new partner…try to keep up." He released her hand that was now tingling with electricity and gave her a cocky smirk.

Who the hell did this guy think he was anyway?

Olivia raised an eyebrow at him and tilted her chin. "You can call me Benson…and bring it on."

The other woman chuckled while the two men let out a low whistle at Olivia's tenacity.

"I like her already. John Munch, welcome to our humble crew."

Olivia smiled, already feeling comfortable with the older man and then introduced herself to the rest of the group, including Monique Jeffries and Ken Briscoe.

"Hey, Cap, this call came in a few minutes ago, but I'm due in court in twenty. Shall we break in the newbie?" Briscoe gave her a goofy grin as he handed Cragen a pink slip of paper.

"Looks like orientation is over, Detective. You and Stabler can take this one." He patted her on the shoulder as Olivia took the paper from his hand.

"Showtime Benson, let's see what you're made of." Elliot breezed past her and grabbed his jacket, walking out of the squad room without giving her another glance.

Olivia sighed as she slipped her hand into her jacket pocket and slowly ran her index finger over what was tucked inside. Thinking of her mother, she followed after Elliot, exiting through the double doors and heading out to her first case.

**{EO}**

_The lights, sounds, and people swirled around her as she danced. She felt free and uninhibited as her body swayed in time to the music; it felt as though she was the only person in the bar. _

_Taking another sip of her vodka cranberry, she glanced briefly toward Stan, her favorite bartender. Serena smiled as she saw him readjust her five year old daughter on his hip. She'd have to remember to thank him properly for minding Olivia while she enjoyed her evening. _

_Olivia squirmed in Stan's arms as she waved at her mother, trying to capture her attention as she danced. "Mommy's so pretty," she whispered wistfully._

"_She sure is kiddo. You're very lucky to have a mommy like her." Stan's leering eyes never left Serena's gyrating form._

"_I don't look like my mommy," Olivia sadly informed Stan. "I look like the filthy monster…that's what mommy says."_

_Finally tearing his stare from Serena, Stan's eyebrows wrinkled into a frown. "What monster, Livia?"_

"_The one that made me…"_

"_You mean your daddy?"_

_Olivia shrugged and wriggled out of his grip until he placed her on the ground. _

"_Where ya going, honey?" Stan questioned, confused as she started to walk away._

"_I gotta go wash my face now. Maybe if I keep washing off the filth, I can be pretty like Mommy someday…"_

**eoeo**

The drive to the scene was filled with awkward silence with Elliot sneaking quick glances at his new partner. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her brow furrow in question.

"Aren't we supposed to be heading to the Seaport? You probably should have turned-"

"Look, Benson, I've been doing this a little longer than you have, so don't worry that pretty head of yours. I know where I'm going."

Olivia glared at him and crossed her arms over her chest. "Pretty," she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

Did she really just dismiss the fact that he called her pretty? Elliot sighed and wondered how anyone that looked like this woman could possibly not think she was anything but beautiful. He sure as hell thought she was. A pain in the ass yes, but also very attractive.

As much as it aggravated him to be stuck with a rookie, Elliot had to admit Olivia had balls. There were not many women in the SVU in general, and especially not many that looked like her. She was going to have a tough road ahead, dealing with all the scum and perverts of Manhattan. Perhaps it was hasty of him to brush her off from the start the way he did.

There was just something in the way she carried herself and didn't back down from him that made him curious and he suddenly found himself wanting to know more about her.

"So uh, Benson, what made you volunteer for this unit?"

Olivia froze in her seat for a moment, then cleared her throat and turned to look at Elliot. "Pretty heavy question for the first day, don't you think?"

"Probably, but we're partners now. We should probably get to know each other better."

Raising her eyebrow in amusement, Olivia chuckled lightly. "Oh, so now you want to be friendly, huh? What changed between the station house and now?"

Elliot couldn't help but smile when she laughed. It was a unique sound and it made his heart clench, sensing that Olivia was not one that laughed often seeing as how she'd barely cracked a smile since she'd walked into the squad room.

"Forget I said anything, geez." He grinned and briefly touched her arm. "How about an easier question, like, when do I get to call you Olivia?"

Stopping at a red light, he turned to look at her fully and winked playfully. He couldn't deny the way his heart rate quickened just the slightest bit when she smiled shyly and bit her bottom lip.

This was definitely the start of something interesting.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the great reviews all! They really are so encouraging! I'm posting this now, on a Saturday night when most people probably aren't even home to read it, because I live in NY and am probably going to lose power for a couple days when the hurricane hits, so here ya go! LOL To all those on the east coast, please be safe. Don't forget to let me know what you think after you read :)**

_Sitting on the tattered, worn carpet in the hallway Olivia waited. She'd been knocking on the door of apartment 6B for the half hour since she'd gotten home from school with no answer. She knew her mother was inside, she could hear classical music playing softly in the distance and her mother never forgot to turn off the radio before leaving the apartment._

"_Mommy," Olivia sighed and knocked once more, hoping Serena would finally respond._

_Still no luck._

_She rose to her feet as the door across the hallway creaked open. "Mrs. Walters, Mommy won't let me in again today."_

_Heaving a deep breath and pressing her lips into a thin line, Emma Walters shook her head in annoyance. "If this is going to become a habit, Olivia, your mother should give you a spare key. As it is, you're lucky that I happened to be home this time and she gave me one for emergencies."_

"_I'm sorry, Mrs. Walters." Olivia looked down at her shoes, embarrassed._

_Emma sighed and patted the seven year old on the head. "It's not your fault, dear. Let's go in and check on your mother." She slipped the key into the lock and turned it, the latch clicking and allowing them to enter the room. "Oh, Serena," she sighed, taking in the woman before her._

_Olivia ran over to her mother who was clutching a nearly empty bottle of wine as she lay motionless on the couch. "Mommy, wake up!" She shook her as hard as she could but was unable to rouse Serena's unconscious form._

"_Never mind, Olivia. She just needs to sleep again like last time. Help me clean up the bottles okay?"_

"_Okay," she replied, choking back a small sob. "I don't like it when she won't wake up."_

"_I know, love, but she'll be fine in a few hours…she always is."_

**eoeo**

"Wake up, Mrs. Loretti; we're taking you back to the station until you're sober enough for questioning." Olivia tugged at the half asleep, intoxicated woman before her.

"Get off me, lady. I'm not goin' nowhere with you." Olivia pulled the unsteady woman from the couch and looked over at Elliot who was holding her three year old son.

Elliot soothed the crying child, moving his hand in comforting circles over his tiny back and glanced over at Olivia. Cases involving children were always the worst and he felt bad that this was Olivia's first one with the unit, but it was better for her to see the reality of the job sooner than later, he thought.

"Mrs. Loretti, we received a call from a neighbor saying that your son has been crying for the past two hours and here you are half passed out on the couch while he was sitting on the floor in a dirty pair of pull ups for God knows how long. This is going to be handed over to ACS and they're meeting us at the station now, so let's go."

Elliot watched, surprised, as Olivia spoke to the woman calmly and firmly, seeming completely unfazed by the condition of the dirty apartment and unkempt child.

Once they were back at the precinct, Dana Loretti and her son David were questioned and their case then turned over to the ACS worker who stated that this hadn't been the first complaint against Dana. David would be removed from the home and placed into emergency foster care until his mother completed a substance abuse program.

"Good luck with _that_ happening," Olivia muttered under her breath loudly enough for Elliot to hear once the family and ACS worker were out of earshot.

"Worked a lot with situations like this before, Benson?"

"Something like that…"

"Benson…?"

"Let's just say I've had some personal experience with an alcoholic mother." Her eyes met his briefly before she turned to head to the restrooms.

Elliot looked on after her in confusion and sighed as he settled into his chair and wondered about his new partner. He was shaken from his thoughts by the shrill ring of the phone on his desk.

"Stabler, can I help you? Oh, hey Kathy…yeah…uh, well, we were all talking about taking the rookie out for drinks since it's her first day and…yeah, _her_. Yes, I know I said I'd…fine. Okay, I'll see you at seven. Bye." He hung up the phone and pressed the heel of his hand into his eye in frustration.

He'd forgotten that he was supposed to meet up with Kathy. This was the third time in as many months that they'd gotten together since their separation and they were no closer to making a decision about where to go from here than they were the day she took the kids and left him. He always both dreaded and looked forward to their meetings, usually feeling an anxious mix of emotions the entire day until they actually saw one another.

As Olivia walked back to their adjoined desks, he thought about how it was fortunate that he and Olivia had a busy enough day that he was completely distracted and intrigued watching her handle the case with ease. He smiled at her as she sat on his desk and looked down at him questioningly.

"What?" He couldn't help but react slightly to the close proximity. He could smell the subtle perfume emanating from her body and for a split second he wondered what she would look like if she weren't wearing an oversized suit and a scowl.

"Munch just told me that it's tradition for you guys to take the newbie out for drinks after their first day. You in?" She gave him a small smile that triggered one of his own.

"I really wish I could, Benson, but I already have plans tonight. I promise I'll make it up to you though…how about tomorrow?"

Olivia stood from his desk and walked across from him to sit on her chair. "Plans?" She regretted the intrusive question as soon as it left her lips. She barely knew this man.

Elliot awkwardly shifted in his seat. "Yeah, meeting up with my wife for coffee at seven."

"Wife?"

"Uh, yeah…well, we're separated, but…yeah."

Olivia glanced at his bare ring finger and then his eyes. "Oh."

"Yeah, but I still want to get to know my partner," he said teasingly. "So, you and me…tomorrow after work?"

She nodded as her lips lifted into a crooked grin. "Sure. So…you have kids?"

"Four, but why am I answering your questions when I still know nothing about you?"

Olivia chuckled and reached over to swat at his arm. "Maybe you'll find out more tomorrow…"

**{EO}**

_She ran her fingers over the thick, rough texture of the card her daughter just handed to her, tracing the raised edges of the pink heart with her fingertips and thinking that this was how it started._

_Olivia watched her mother with curiosity as the expressions on her face changed with every second she stared at the Valentine in her hand. She couldn't identify the emotions that played on her features or the tone in which she read the card aloud. "Be mine, Olivia. From, Michael Davies."_

"_He's icky mom, always following me around and stealing my crayons in art class," Olivia explained, knowing by her reaction that her mother must be upset. "I don't like him back."_

_Serena finally looked up from the card and at her daughter. "You are only eight years old, Olivia. Boys should not be paying you any mind and the ones that do are not nice boys, do you understand me?"_

"_Mom, I-he's my friend."_

"_Boys never want to be just friends. They will trick you and say nice things to you, but they all only want one thing…"_

"_What thing?" The child was genuinely confused and felt her heart rate quicken as her mother continued to rant, scared of what was coming next._

"_You'll figure it out soon enough, sooner than mommy wants you to." Serena dragged a hand down her face and reached out to pull Olivia into a tight embrace. "You are nobody's but mine, you hear me? You stay away from this boy, from all boys for a very, very long time."_

"_Mom, you're hurting me…too tight."_

_Serena abruptly released her and violently ripped apart the Valentine as Olivia looked on, knowing she had done something wrong, but not quite understanding exactly what that was._

**eoeo**

Nursing her second beer, Olivia laughed as her partner finished telling a story about his twins. It felt good to laugh with him, to get to know him outside of the job. He really had an amazing smile and the way his face would light up when he spoke about his children was quite endearing.

She took another sip from her frosted mug and cleared her throat. "So what about you, Elliot? I've heard about your kids and your job history, but still don't know much about _you_…know what I mean?

Elliot's smile slowly receded as he tilted his head in thought. His family. His work. These were the things that defined him. He'd never really been asked about his likes, dislikes, dreams, and plans. Not for a very long time anyway. As his eyes met Olivia's he lifted his chin in challenge. "No, no…I've been talking your ear off for the past hour. It's your turn, Benson." He hadn't talked to someone like this in years and quite frankly, it was a bit disconcerting. Besides, for him, the point of this particular meeting was to get to know Olivia.

"Hmm, what do you want to know?"

Elliot took a long pull from his bottle and reached over to pluck a piece of lint from her cashmere sweater. "Anything you want to tell me, partner."

What was it about this man? He made Olivia feel both uninhibited and protective of her heart at the same time and she'd only known him for two days. It wasn't just his obvious sex appeal or the fact that when he touched her, he seemed to burn an imprint into her skin, but there was just something that made her _feel._ Feel things like vulnerable and weak, yet somehow stronger all at once. She leaned into him slightly and breathed in his cologne, a feeling of warmth washing over her body and coloring her cheeks.

"Well, I'm single, twenty nine, and have wanted to be either a cop or a therapist since I was around fifteen years old."

Smiling and bumping her shoulder with his own, Elliot mulled over her response. Single. Single was definitely good. He didn't want to think about _why_ he felt it was good, but he felt his heart beat a bit faster learning that fact. Pushing it to the back of his mind, he bumped her shoulder once more and replied. "A therapist, huh? Don't you have to be open with yourself to do something like that?"

Narrowing her eyes at him, Olivia opened her mouth to respond when her cell phone buzzed against her hip. Looking down at the caller ID, she heaved a sigh and straightened on her barstool. "Everything okay, mom?"

"How's your first day a'work 'livia?"

Shit.

"It was yesterday mom, and why are you drunk tonight? You have work in the morning." It was a whisper into the phone, loud enough for Serena to hear, but quiet enough for Elliot to remain oblivious. She could feel his stare as she softly spoke to her mother, but this was not yet a part of her life she'd wished to share with him.

"Dunno, baby. Jus' feeling sad today…"

"Okay, Mom, I'm coming over." She closed her eyes and fleetingly imagined a life she never had. "Be there in about twenty."

"What's wrong?" Elliot reached out for her hand just as she pulled it out of his grasp.

"I have to go. It's my mother. Remember when I told you I had some personal experience with that case yesterday?"

"Your mother?"

"Yeah…I'm sorry, Elliot, but I have to go…"

"No," he practically shouted, standing as Olivia threw down some cash and slid off of her seat. "Let me come with you."

She froze where she stood and looked into his eyes, brow crinkled. "Why would you want to do that?"

Elliot shrugged and stepped closer to her body. "Partners," he said with a slight smile. "For better or worse."

Every fiber of her being was telling her that Elliot coming with her would be a terrible, terrible idea, that things were getting much too personal much too soon, but there was something. Something in his eyes, his expression, his voice, and she found herself nodding.

"Uh, Okay…okay."

"Alright. Where to, Benson?"

Her eyes met his briefly and then she turned to walk out of the bar, tossing over her shoulder, "Call me Olivia, El."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank again to all who have left such awesome reviews! They really mean a lot! Hope you enjoy this chapter and drop a comment after you read :)**

Elliot stood in the doorway and watched as Serena stumbled from the kitchen into the living room to greet her daughter with an awkward embrace. It almost felt too personal to be there, too intrusive, but he wanted to know. Wanted to know more about Olivia and her life and why she seemed to hold back just a bit with her emotions.

He felt his face burn with discomfort the moment Serena's eyes fixed on his, and then dragged slowly down the length of his body. Shifting on his feet, he took her outstretched hand as she released Olivia.

"I dn't know you'wre bringin' company, 'livia," she slurred, her eyes never leaving Elliot as her hand tightly shook his. "Who's this handsome man?"

Olivia flashed him an apologetic look as she introduced him. "This is my new partner, Elliot Stabler. Elliot, this is my mother, Serena Benson."

"Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Benson." Elliot dislodged his hand from her grip and looked over at Olivia who was gnawing at her bottom lip.

"Pleasure's all mine and there's no Missus in front of Benson," she said with a wink. "So this's th'man who'll be helping my daughter take down th'perverts of Manhattan, huh? Well good luck with that."

Elliot furrowed his brow and opened his mouth to respond when Olivia quickly interjected.

"Mom, why don't you go lay down and I'll clean up here. Did you eat anything tonight?"

He watched as his partner went into a confident caregiver mode just as she had with their case from the previous day. He then felt a stab in his chest as Serena violently wrenched her arm from Olivia's hold and gave her daughter a look of disgust.

"Don't you get all high 'n mighty with me, 'livia. You're no better than me 'n don't you forget it."

Olivia sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, completely embarrassed and regretting her decision to allow Elliot to come along. She startled slightly when she felt his warm hand rest on her shoulder and chanced a look to see if he was wearing an expression of disdain, of judgment. All she saw though was an expression of concern and comfort, something so intense in his deep blue eyes that it made her look away.

"I never said that, Mom. I just came to see how you were feeling, not to start an argument, okay?"

Calming slightly, Serena stared at Olivia and Elliot for a moment, then flopped onto the couch. "Okay, love." She leaned forward to grab a glass of crimson liquid and her eyes flickered, turning dark. She took a long sip then heaved a drawn out sigh and patted the cushion beside her. "C'mere, 'livia. You know I jus' worry 'bout you, but I know you think you're doin' somethin' good." She draped her arm heavily over her daughter's shoulder as she sat next to her. "I jus' wish there was a cop like you when that pig…that _filthy, disgusting_ pig-"

"It's okay, it's okay." Olivia held her mother as she sloppily sobbed into her shoulder.

Elliot looked on, not knowing if he should leave or help and he searched his partner's face for any sign of what she needed. When she finally made eye contact, her eyes were cold, dead.

And it broke his fucking heart.

"I'm sorry," she mouthed to him as Serena sniffled against her and clung to her weary body.

**eoeo**

Olivia stared out into the darkness from the passenger seat of Elliot's jeep, seemingly lost in her own head. After a moment, she dropped her head back onto the headrest and crossed her arms, seemingly closing herself off both physically and emotionally.

Elliot watched her as he started the engine, the low hum the only sound filling the otherwise silent space for long moments. He started to move his hand to touch her arm, but pulled back and tightly gripped the steering wheel to stop himself. Instinctively, he somehow knew she didn't want his comfort at the moment. She was stubborn, but so was he and he was willing to wait until she was ready to let him in.

Sighing, he pulled out of the parking garage and headed further downtown to drop her off at her apartment. He was grateful she was allowing him to do even that much.

"I'm sorry," she later whispered as he turned onto her street.

"Liv…don't."

Her head shot up and turned to face him, gracing him with a tight smile. "I just…I just want to take a hot shower and forget this entire night."

Her words stung, but he knew she was in pain and mainly thinking of the part of the evening spent at her mother's place, but Elliot still couldn't help but feel like the small progress they had made in their partnership and budding friendship had been diminished.

"Talk to me," he rasped, and this time he did touch her. He ran his hand down the length of her arm, stopping to squeeze her hand before releasing and pulling back. "Tell me about your mother. What happened to her, Liv?"

"Elliot, please. Just…not now, okay? I wish you never had to see any of that…"

"It's okay. Just know that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk and –" He could see the turmoil in her features and wanted to try to pull her out from a downward spiral of emotion.

"Thanks, El."

They were now stopped in front of her apartment building and the air in the jeep felt thick. Humiliated. She felt humiliated and vulnerable and angry at herself. At least angry, she could handle. It was something she was comfortable feeling for most of her life and at the moment, she used it as a reason to get the hell away from Elliot.

Too much. He knew too much, too soon. He would judge and then not want to know any more about her once he knew, he would. They all did eventually, just like her mother had warned.

"I have to go," she choked out, her throat tight.

Elliot watched in helpless confusion as she practically tumbled out of the jeep and into her building without ever looking back.

**eoeo**

_Olivia passed the Monopoly money to her best friend Kristen as she carefully watched her mother out of the corner of her eye. Serena had been sitting in the living room watching television while the girls played the board game on the kitchen table. She had been picking at her nails and fidgeting on the couch for the past hour and Olivia knew she was trying to fight her urges. Serena had promised her that she wouldn't drink the one night she had a friend over and Olivia watched as she struggled._

_Startling everyone, Olivia slammed her small first down onto the table, shaking the game pieces and causing Kristen to gasp in surprise. "Damn it, Mom. Just have a stupid drink already!"_

"_Olivia Benson! You watch your language and the way you talk to me, young lady." Serena's eyes flashed in anger and embarrassment._

"_I don't care anymore, I don't!" The nine year old shouted as her friend looked on in shock. _

"_Olivia, stop…your mom's gonna whip you," Kristen whispered, afraid._

_Ignoring her friend, Olivia marched into the living room and stood before her mother. "Why can't you just be normal? Why can't you just be a normal, happy mom and play with me and bake cookies and read me stories before bed? That's what Kristen's mom does when we have sleep overs. Did you know that's what normal moms do, Serena?" _

_Serena's eyes widened and then narrowed, shocked at her daughter's sudden flash of defiance and stream of hurtful words._

_Olivia was nowhere near finished._

"…_they don't get drunk until they pass out and they don't bring home strange men and then cry and cry after they leave. They don't-ah!" Olivia felt the sting of her mother's hand as it connected with her cheek and hot tears sprang to her eyes. _

_Chest heaving, Serena grabbed Olivia by the arm and turned toward Kristen. "I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into her…"_

_Struggling against her mother's grip, Olivia felt her body fill with rage. Rage, embarrassment, and shame at her own behavior as well as her mother's. She just wanted to run and hide for a long, long time. _

_Why couldn't her mother just love her…all the time and not just when she was in a good mood? Why couldn't her mother just talk to her, instead of drown herself in a bottle? Why couldn't her mother just stop drinking for her and why wasn't she a good enough reason to stop?_

_Finally Olivia stopped fighting and slinked down onto the carpet as she dissolved into tears. "I'm sorry, mommy. I'm sorry."_

**{EO}**

"Olivia, will you just talk to me already?" The silence was deafening in the squad car as they canvassed the house of a potential perp.

"Look, I'm sorry-"

"Stop fucking apologizing and be real with me." Elliot paused at the flash of anger that colored her features and took a breath, deciding to take a softer approach. "What happened to you last night? Where did you go?"

"Where did I-"

"Emotionally, I mean. You practically catapulted out of my jeep to get away from me and I think you owe me an explanation." He knew he was testing her, forcing the issue.

"I don't owe you anything. And what, are you trying to psychoanalyze me now just because you met my mother and saw how messed up…just, never mind, Elliot. Let's just focus on the job, okay?" She huffed out an irritated breath.

"Anyone ever tell you that you are frustrating as all hell sometimes?"

Sighing dramatically she turned to him and rolled her eyes and for one terrifyingly exciting moment he wanted to kiss her. He stuffed down the feeling to explore at a later time and shook his head chuckling.

"I just don't know about you, Benson."

"I don't know about me either sometimes," she replied with a wry smile. "And I _will _talk to you, El, you just can't push me so hard about it…I'm not used to it."

Talking a deep breath, he reached out to rest his hand lightly on the nape of her neck, squeezing gently. "I'm sorry if you feel I pushed you. I just…I really just want to know you…"

Shivering slightly and furrowing her brow she tilted her head. "You do know me…"

Smiling, he shook his head and leaned in closer to her body. "I want to know everything about you, Olivia."

Her cheeks burning, she was suddenly very aware of the sound of their heavy breaths filling the car. It was dangerous and it was distracting. He was her partner and he was married…well, separated, but still…married. And yet, she couldn't refute the fact that there was an undeniable pull and she was pretty sure it wasn't one sided. The scent of his cologne mingled with her perfume in the small space, the air between them becoming heated and finally, she allowed herself to smile at Elliot's words, willing herself to tamp down the ache of the previous night at her mother's and all the nights like it that had come before.

Elliot drew his bottom lip between his teeth as he watched Olivia's cheeks color and her breaths quicken to the point where he could feel the barest whisper of air against his neck. God, as much as he didn't want to, he needed to restrain himself. He and Kathy where still in Limbo in regard to their relationship and Olivia was just…it was just a bad idea all around. Unfortunately, his body and his heart didn't agree with his mind.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm so excited that people seem to like this story so far since it's a bit different from my others! Anyway, it's all about the slow burn here folks, so stick with me ;) Thanks again for the reviews and don't forget to drop a comment after you read!**

It had now been nearly four months since Olivia Benson walked into his life and changed everything. Not only was she shaping up to be one of the best partners he'd ever had, but they seemed to be growing closer as friends with each passing day. They were now friends and perhaps a little more. Elliot couldn't deny that he was falling for this woman more and more and the reality of that continued to plague him. No, he'd never kissed her, felt her in his arms, or slid deep inside her body like he often imagined, but there was an intense emotional connection there that made him feel like was always on the verge of falling. And it made him feel guilty even though there was no reason to.

Kathy had broken the news that she had started seeing someone new about two months prior, and although it broke his heart, a part of him felt happy for her. Happy that she had a chance of finding something more. They were both still young and knew in their hearts that they had slowly grown apart.

Tonight, they had agreed to meet for dinner to talk about the kids and the state of their separation and as he walked into their favorite restaurant, his breath hitched when he saw her sitting at _their_ table. For a brief moment he saw the pretty, young cheerleader that captured his heart over fifteen years ago. He saw the wonderful wife and mother that she had grown to be and all of the memories they had made. He watched as she ran a hand through her long hair and smiled as her big blue eyes connected with his. Impulsively, he swiftly walked to the table and clutched her head in his hands and kissed her. It was the first time he'd felt her lips move against his in months. It was comfortable, it felt good, but it wasn't the same. He loved her, he did, but they were just not the same people they were back then.

They both had had to grow up too fast and soon enough, after the initial excitement had worn off, they both realized their main thing in common was their family, their children. As the years went by and Elliot spent more and more time at work, Kathy grew resentful. Understandably so, as she was practically a single mother, raising the children mostly on her own. Elliot knew he was a good father, but he also knew he simply wasn't there enough.

He remembered his own parents, the endless arguments and the way his father was never home and didn't take responsibility for his family. Elliot had sworn he would never be that way, yet here he was meeting Kathy for dinner to talk about officially filing for divorce. He'd failed.

He'd _failed_.

But he also knew that they both deserved another shot at happiness.

**eoeo**

Olivia opened her door to a sheepish looking Elliot who was carrying a six pack in one hand while the other was shoved into his coat pocket. Smiling, she motioned for him to come inside and took the beer into the kitchen.

"Do you want to talk about it yet?" Olivia asked as she opened two bottles and put the rest in the refrigerator.

"We're definitely filing, we finally made the decision. It's like…a relief to have finally said the words, but, I just…" He swallowed harshly and took the beer from Olivia's outstretched hand, then took a long pull.

"I'm sorry, El." She sat down beside him on the couch, linked her arm through one of his, and rested her head on his shoulder. "It's what you wanted though, isn't it?"

Placing his chin on the top of her head, he inhaled the scent of her shampoo and sighed. "Yes and no. I mean, I know the marriage had been fizzling out for a couple of years now and neither of us was truly happy, but it's the end of an era, you know? Thank God the kids seem to be handling it okay. They are having a harder time accepting the guy Kathy's been dating more than anything else right now."

"You're a good father, El."

Taking another long drink from his bottle, Elliot shrugged. "I didn't have much of an example growing up, but I'd always promised myself that I would never be like him. My dad didn't give two shits about us as far as I saw. He'd come home late most nights and me and my siblings would just listen to my parents fight and fight, usually about his drinking, some woman he'd been screwing, how he never wanted to spend his time with us anymore…" He shifted on the couch as Olivia leaned forward to grab her beer off of the coffee table and took a sip, then linked her fingers between his own. He felt a current of electricity from the tips of his fingers up to his shoulder and smiled.

"You are nothing like him, Elliot. Nothing."

He nodded. "I know, I just…always promised I'd do better. Give my kids better and not become another statistic, just another cop with a fucked up marriage..."

"I'm sure he loved you guys in his own way-"

"What about your father, Liv? Why do you never talk about him? Why do you never talk about what happened to your mother?"

Olivia slid her hand out of his grasp and shifted away from him slightly on the couch. "My _father _is the man who raped my mother, Elliot. And my mother has resented me from the day I was born. So, yeah…I understand a bit about wanting to be better than your own parents." She bit her lip and stared down at her bare feet when she felt his arm slide around her shoulders and pull her into his warm body.

"I'm sorry, Liv," he whispered into her temple, his lips skimming the skin there and causing her to shiver. "I'm so, so sorry."

Closing her eyes, Olivia took in his words, his touch, and his very presence. "You're not a failure, El, neither of us are. We're both just a little…broken."

**{EO}**

_The warm breeze tousled her long, dark hair as she propelled herself back and forth on the swing. She watched as children played with one another and their families and smiled. It was something she didn't do often, but every now and then, Olivia got the urge to wander around Central Park and play on a swing set. Her mother would tease her that at ten years old, she was getting too old for such foolishness, but she didn't care. She loved to watch the happy families interact and dream about a life where she was a part of one. _

_A little girl sitting in the sandbox with who Olivia assumed was her mother, squealed when she saw a man who must have been her father approach her from behind and tickle her. Dissolving into a fit of giggles, the father scooped her up and carried her over to the swing beside Olivia, placing her down gently and pushing her with care. _

"_Faster, Daddy, I wan' go higher!" She screamed with excitement._

"_Okay, baby, but just a little bit or Mommy will get mad at us," he teased._

_Olivia looked over at the man who gave her a wink as he caught her eye. She quickly looked away and blushed, aware that she was caught listening in on their conversation, but still felt a flash of warmth and excitement despite herself, pretending to know what it might feel like to have a sibling…and a father for just a brief moment in time._

_Glancing over her shoulder her shy smile faded and she rolled her eyes as Serena sat on a bench and flirted with a man she'd never seen before. As she watched her mother place a delicate hand on the man's arm though, she suddenly understood; that maybe…just maybe, in her own twisted way, her mother was searching for the same thing as she._

**eoeo**

Olivia laughed and leaned back as far as she could go as Elliot's strong hands pushed against her hips to send her even higher into the sky. She felt like a kid again, but this time she had a friend to play with. A very sexy, very male, and now very single friend.

They'd decided to grab a quick bite and take a walk in the park during their lunch break to enjoy the beautiful weather when Elliot noticed her staring over at a family playing near a swing set. He'd poked her in the ribs playfully and asked her if she'd wanted him to push her and after giving him an exasperated look, she chuckled and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, why the hell not.

Now her heart raced and her skin tingled whenever Elliot's hands pressed against her hips and lower back. Most days she'd feared they were going to cross the invisible line she'd drawn with regards to getting involved with a partner, but in this moment she just wanted to feel and laugh and enjoy his company outside of work.

"Elliot, this is crazy…everyone is staring at us!" She chuckled and then her breath hitched when he stilled her by placing his hands over hers on the chain link and leaned in close, his breath hot in her ear.

"Let them stare, Benson, I'm having fun." He twisted the swing so that she was facing him, yanked her forward and squatted down so that they were practically nose to nose.

Olivia felt her body quiver in response and tamped down the strong desire to press her lips to his. She drew her bottom lip in between her teeth as he moved in closer and quickly kissed the corner of her mouth. Her eyes widened at the intimate action and then she arched an eyebrow when his face broke into a huge grin. "What's up with you today, El?"

Shrugging, he stood and pulled her up off of the swing so that she was standing close, allowing his hands to rest lightly on her hips. He could feel her soft breaths coming quickly against his cheek as his own heart rate increased with her proximity. He looked down at her through hooded lids and his lips parted.

"El?" her voice was small. "What are you doing?"

"Liv…" His voice was like sandpaper.

The heat coursed through her body when she felt his fingers grip her tighter. "Yeah?"

"We should probably get back to work…"

"Yeah, we should…"

Neither of them moved for a long moment.

A squealing child startled them from the haze and Olivia turned towards the sound and laughed as the little girl threw herself in a sandbox to make a "snow" angel. She took a few steps away from Elliot and then turned back to look at him and smiled at the goofy grin on his face.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm his body and ground himself once again. "C'mon, Liv, let's head back to the sedan." He threw an arm around her shoulders and led her in the direction of the car.

Back to reality.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Okay so does anyone else feel like their E/O heart broke just a little bit last night with the premiere? Ugh, I was almost not going to post this today because of the Olivia sadness overload, but the end of this chap is happy, so I decided it shouldn't depress anyone too much! LOL Anyway, hope you like what you read and let me know what you think :)**

_Olivia rolled her eyes and headed for her bedroom as her mother stumbled into the apartment with Joan, a colleague and sometime drinking buddy. Olivia had had a bad day at school, overhearing some classmates talking about her behind her back and was looking forward to spending a quiet night alone since her mother hadn't yet come home from work despite the late hour. She was nearly past the point of caring when Serena had called her around six o'clock to make sure she got home from school safely. Her mother had sounded drunk even then, so she could only imagine how bad she would be now, over two hours later._

"_Olivia! I haven't seen you ages, honey. Jesus, Serena, she's gotten so big!" Joan walked over to Olivia, taking her hand and twirling her around. "Turning into a pretty little thing too!"_

"_Thanks Mrs. Bailey, I turn twelve in three months." Olivia smiled shyly at the woman despite herself, not used to hearing compliments. _

"_Getting too big, too fast, if you ask me," Serena grumbled as she headed for the kitchen to pour drinks._

_Letting go of Joan's hand, Olivia's smile faded at her mother's tone. She could tell she was going to be in one of her darker moods and wanted no part of it after the day she'd already had. "Mom, I'll be in my room if you need me. Your clean laundry is folded on your bed and I laid out the bills we got today on your dresser so you remember to pay them this month…"_

"_I'm not the child here, Olivia. Go on, then. I'll be in to say goodnight later."_

"_Yeah right," Olivia muttered under her breath as she headed to solace of her bedroom._

"_She's turning into such a little smart ass. Also, looking more and more like him with each passing day." Serena took a long sip from her glass as she handed the other to her friend._

_Joan took the glass and swayed a bit before taking a drink. "Does she know about everything that happened, Serena?"_

"_She knows that man is a disgusting monster, but she doesn't know why. She doesn't know about the night he snuck up from behind me, pushed me down, and forced his way into my body with his filth. She doesn't know how I screamed and begged for him to stop and he just laughed and told me shut up and take it. And she sure as hell doesn't know how I struggled after I found out his child was growing inside of me or that the only reason I kept her was because I found out too late that I was pregnant. I was in such denial then, but now…she reminds me, Joan. She reminds me every single day of my life…"_

_Joan wrapped her arms around her friend as her shoulders shook and tears streamed down her face, not knowing anything else to do, but hoping against hope that Olivia hadn't heard any of it._

_Down the hallway, the eleven year old sat in her bedroom doorway, her arms wrapped around her legs and head buried in her knees. Nobody heard her sobs. Nobody gave her comfort._

**eoeo**

Her fist smashed against his jaw with a sickening crack right before Elliot was able to wrap his arms around her waist to pull her away.

"Liv, what the hell are you doing?" He whispered harshly in her ear as the perp slammed back against the double sided window and slid to the floor. "Cragen is right outside…"

The door to the interrogation room flew open to reveal a furious Cragen. "Benson, my office. Now!"

Olivia wrenched herself from Elliot's grip and followed the captain, trying to calm her anger with each step she took. Once they were in the office, Cragen shut the door and stared at her. "Cap, I-"

"Shut up! What you did out there was completely unacceptable and beyond just a rookie mistake. Are you trying to get the department sued for excessive force? We don't even know if that man is our guy…"

"He raped those girls, Cap…"

"You're suspended for the rest of this week as of this second and there will be a write up in your jacket. I suggest you use the time to get your act together by Monday morning or your time in this unit will be coming to an end."

Swallowing hard, her eyes and nose burned with the effort of holding back her tears. She simply gave a quick nod and walked out of the office, gathered her things, and left the precinct.

Nearly twenty minutes later, she entered her apartment, shedding her suit jacket, shoes and socks as she made her way into the kitchen. As she reached into the refrigerator for a cold beer, she mentally chastised herself. She knew she fucked up at work and now she had her first write up since she'd been a cop. What the hell was she thinking? Twisting the cap off the bottle, she brought the cool glass to her lips and took a long drink. The fact that she had gone straight for a beer was a thought pushed to the back of her mind as she eyed her bedroom door. Maybe she could go to sleep and when she woke up, this will all have been a bad dream.

Sighing she ran her fingers through her hair and headed into the bathroom to start a hot shower. A beer or two, a hot shower, and a long nap, she thought, was exactly what she was in the mood for. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she silenced the ringer, knowing work wouldn't call for the next few days. She would call her mother later to check in, but for now, she just wanted to be alone. Taking another long gulp from the bottle, she leaned in to turn the faucet on and waited for the water to heat up.

As she slipped out of her clothes and drained the rest of the beer, her mind wandered over to what Elliot must now think of her. Would he still even want her as a partner since she flew off the handle so easily? Why did she let that asshole perp get to her so much today? She stepped into the tub and eased her body under the hot spray, letting the water pressure and heat soothe her sore muscles. She'd have plenty of time to analyze everything later, for now she just needed to escape. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back into the stream, allowing her stress to slide down the drain along with the water.

Elliot shoved the cell phone back into his jacket pocket after the third time trying to reach his partner with no answer. As he stepped onto the elevator heading up to her apartment, he wondered if she'd even let him in, both literally and figuratively. He'd watched her in that interrogation room as her expression changed from professional to wild once their potential perp laughed about the rapes. She'd lost her cool and took out her frustrations on the man, but Elliot was confused as to why this particular case got to her so much.

Stepping out of the elevator, he made his way down the hall to her apartment and knocked softly. After a moment without response, he knocked again, this time loudly and persistently.

Olivia grumbled as she wrapped a thick towel around her wet body and padded to the door. Irritated that her shower was interrupted, she quickly looked through the peephole, then flung the door open without thinking.

Standing with his fist poised to knock on the door again, Elliot's jaw dropped at the sight she made before him. "Liv…" His eyes lowered to caress the bare skin of her shoulders and followed the droplets of water that ran down from the ends of her hair to recede into her towel.

"El, I appreciate you checking on me, but I really-" She drew in a sharp breath when she watched his eyes cloud over and felt his warm fingers run across her damp collarbone. "Um, El…"

His fingers trailed up the column of her neck, then his hand gripped her nape. "What happened back there…in interrogation."

Blinking rapidly, Olivia expelled the breath she was holding and took a step back, causing Elliot's hand to slide away from her neck. "Let me…um, I'm a bit underdressed here, El. I'm gonna just…"

"I think you look beautiful…"

She drew her bottom lip in between her teeth as their eyes remained connected. "I'll be right back." As she headed for her bedroom, she looked at him over her shoulder and gave a crooked smile. "There's beer in the fridge, so help yourself."

Drinking in her body as she walked to her room, Elliot groaned was getting increasingly difficult to keep his hands to himself when it came to his partner, but he had to remember that he was there to get her to talk about what happened at work, not to try to seduce her. Throwing one last longing glance at her now closed bedroom door, he sighed and headed for the kitchen, opening beers for both of them.

Moments later, Olivia walked into the living room dressed in a white tank and grey sweatpants. "All right, Stabler, come sit down and give me that beer. Explain yourself…"

"Explain my- Liv, you punched a guy in the face and then got suspended. You're my partner and I …care about you."

Smiling despite herself, she took the beer from his hand and settled into the couch, patting the cushion beside her, then clinked her bottle to his as he sat down. "Thank you, but I can take care of myself, you know?"

"I know. So, you gonna tell me what that was all about? I've never seen you lose it like that, you broke that asshole's nose," he said proudly, smirking then taking a sip from his beer. "Was kinda hot…"

Feeling her cheeks color, Olivia took another long drink before placing the bottle down on the wooden coffee table. Curling a leg under her body, she turned to face him fully. "That guy, Lopez, _laughed _at me when I described those rapes…"

Placing his beer on the table, Elliot lightly took her hand in his, lacing his fingers loosely. "Liv, that wouldn't have gotten to you before. What was it about this particular perp?"

Running a hand through her damp hair, she held his eyes as she spoke. "Lopez raped those women while they were walking home from class at night. My mother was raped walking home from a night class too. She was buzzed during class -she drank too much even then- and got attacked from behind when she was halfway home." Swallowing thickly, Olivia looked down at their joined hands and squeezed tightly.

"I'm sorry, Liv. Lopez must have really triggered you, but you have to figure out how to leave that stuff behind when you do the job."

She moved to stand, but Elliot gripped her hand tighter. "I'm not saying this to be hurtful. I know you are strong, probably one of the strongest women I know, but we both need to leave our personal baggage behind at work. I sure as hell struggle with it sometimes whenever a kid reminds me of one of my own."

"I know, it's just…I'll work on it, I will." She gave him a small smile and closed her eyes when he reached his hand up to run over the contours of her face.

"I know you will. Are you going to see your mother during your time off at all?"

She nodded and leaned into his palm that was now warm against her cheek. "Yeah…"

"Do you want to talk about it more?" Elliot leaned forward to press a kiss to her temple.

"No," she whispered and tilted her head up towards his face. "Not tonight…thank you, El."

"For what?" He closed his eyes and breathed her in as her lips made gentle contact, rubbing slightly against his and setting his body on fire.

"Just being you…being here for me," she murmured against his mouth, then whimpered as he pulled her flush against him and melted into the kiss.


End file.
